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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25449058">Latibule</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/felix_8felicis/pseuds/felix_8felicis'>felix_8felicis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Dealing with my own stress through aus, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Felix has a hard couple of days, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, Projecting, Stress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:47:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25449058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/felix_8felicis/pseuds/felix_8felicis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em> (n.) a hiding place; a place of safety and comfort </em><br/> </p><p> <br/><strong>TO DO LIST:</strong><br/> </p><ol>
<li>Apologize for not speaking the whole vlive</li>
<li>Apologize for being so stiff during practice and not contributing enough</li>
<li>Apologize for not smiling lately and being a "moody teenage boy full of hormones"</li>
<li>Find a quiet deserted place to cry.</li>
</ol>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Felix (Stray Kids) &amp; Everyone, No Romantic Relationship(s), Platonic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>278</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Latibule</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>TO DO LIST:</strong>
</p><p> </p>
<ol>
<li>Apologize for not speaking the whole vlive</li>
<li>Apologize for being so stiff during practice and not contributing enough</li>
<li>Apologize for not smiling lately and being a "moody teenage boy full of hormones"</li>
<li>Find a quiet deserted place to cry.</li>
</ol><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix stares at his list, his fingers aching from their tight grip on the pen. He loosens his hold when he finishes writing the last word. He reads it again, his eyes swimming up and down the scratched shaky writing. This should be good; he thinks with a sigh as he let his back fall on his chair.</p><p>Rationally speaking, he knows he shouldn't write this down. That it's too dangerous, out in the open for anyone to accidentally stumble upon; his phone is way safer. Yet, here in the smallest practice room on the third floor at 1:13am, scribbling with a red dying pen on the back of his Korean textbook just feels <em>right</em>.</p><p>He hadn't meant to stay quiet the whole broadcast. Not really at least. Chan had called for them to do a group vlive, as they hadn't done one in a while. Everyone had talked excitedly and joked around a lot, as loud as they always had been. Felix was satisfied, just staring at them and listening, a wavy smile on his lips, his arm flung around whoever was sitting beside him. It had been Jisung, then Changbin until it switched to Hyunjin. His mind hadn’t been fast enough to catch up on all the movements, but it didn't really matter. He was fine. Or he thought he was. Until Hyunjin looked at him with those knowing eyes. <em>Knowing what</em><em>? </em>He didn't know. The older dancer tried to include him unto the discussion, but Felix's tongue had been too heavy. His mouth too numb from the lack of use and extended silence. In his haste to say something, <em>anything</em>, he suddenly realized that he had no idea what they were talking about. Yes, he had been listening, but not to what they were saying, but to their voices, to their laugh and energy. He ended up stuttering for awfully long seconds until Chan saved up the awkward silence and spared him that look. <em>That </em>pitiful look.</p><p>Felix had gone back to his silence, but it wasn't the comfortable one anymore. No one tried to get him to speak after that, and he was half glad, half disappointed.</p><p>The live ended, and he had bolted toward the door the moment the staff and managers were busy talking with some of the members and pulling their stuff away.</p><p>He had been so close. His fingers had brushed the handle and he was this close to successfully run away. Sadly, or thankfully, depends from who's point of view, their manager's voice had stopped him. "Felix, try to interact a bit more next time alright? I'm sure Stays noticed that something was wrong" he looked between Chan and Felix. "Is something wrong?" his stare lingered on the leader and the young Australian felt ten times worse. "N-no, no I'm sorry. Nothing's wrong, I-I'll talk more next time"</p><p>They had all stared at him, watched him with <em>those</em>eyes until Felix couldn't hold it anymore and bolted out of the room. The older man hadn’t really said anything mean; he was concerned, and for a good reason Felix suppose. However, the guilt and embarrassment still burn in his stomach.  </p><p> </p><p>Felix stares at the number one.  Although he technically <em>did </em>apologize, it was more so that he could run away than because he really had meant his words. Yeah, he needs to apologize again.</p><p> </p><p>Something heavy settles in the pit of his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>There wasn't much to say about number two. He just- had been lacking sleep lately. It wasn't because of schedule or anything, his mind just wouldn't <em>shut up, </em>as cliché as it sounds. Felix was scared. Sleeping made his heart fasten in his chest, made it loudly scream in the darkness of the room and quietness of the dorm. Afraid of what? Of a tomorrow that would come <em>too</em>fast. Of what's waiting for him the next day; wake up, force food down your throat, don't look at the balance in the corner of the kitchen when you walk past it, face everything you suck at, try to control your breathing when the night falls down too quickly, stress about sleeping, <em>repeat</em>.</p><p>It was inevitable that dance practice would be hell. Well, not really hell, he was probably exaggerating a bit, but still, his point stands. Felix is part of the dance line. He’s the one supposed to help the other members, yet, his shitty lack of sleep and stupid anxiety took a tool on his body. His name had been called so many times that he started hating the sound of it. <em>Felix your arm. Felix you’re one beat late. Felix you’re too stiff. Felix you’re moving too harshly. Felix is something’s wrong? </em>Nothing’s wrong. Nothing of that much importance. And that’s the exact problem.</p><p>The two previous numbers caused the third one. Before he was aware of it himself, his smiles slowly turned sourer, felt forced even to himself. He would be smiling with Jisung and Seungmin but the moment they left, his smile would slowly drop, his muscles giving in under the unknown pressure he had put them in. When he was alone, his whole façade would fall, like water on paint. A mask he wasn’t even aware of wearing. Though now, he was way too aware of it, and that is the exact reason of the existence of the list.</p><p>He didn’t want it to affect his relationship with the members. <em>He </em>didn’t want to affect <em>them</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Felix stares down at his phone. 0 messages. He wishes someone would ask for him, yet, he knows that he is being unreasonable. All the members are busy with their own respective schedule and Felix wasn’t a child, so he shouldn’t act like one; he can perfectly take care of himself. Still…</p><p>Frustration scratches his chest and with a short sigh, the young dancer stands and gather his things, his used textbook thrown carelessly in his bright yellow bag.</p><p>The dorm is a 30-minute walk from the company. 10 if he takes the bus. With a huff, he sits on the bench, waiting. The night is dark, but there’s still a lot of cars and a few passers-by. Felix wonders when there’s nothing else to do; did the cars on the road ever stop? If so, at what hour? 3am? 4am? Is that man with the blue jacket going home? Does he have a daughter that waited for him in the dead of the night until she realized that he wasn’t coming home any time soon? Does that grandma have someone who is worrying about her? Someone who would make warm soup for her? It is pretty cold after all.</p><p>The bus arrives at that exact moment. It’s warmer inside, but Felix still shivers. He always gets cold when he is tired.</p><p>The dorm is as merciless as the streets; it’s freezing. A shiver runs down his spine and he quickly shove his shoes to the side. The light in the hall is turned off, a quick message that no one’s home yet. There’s a weird kind of calmness soothing his beating heart. Having some alone time is healing, but he knows he won’t be able to get any sleep before at least one member comes home.</p><p>His feet slides toward his, Changbin’s and Chan’s shared room where he throws his coat. He grabs a towel and some pajamas, heading straight to the bathroom. The shower he takes is cold, he doesn’t want to risk wasting the hot water, preferring to save it for the members for when they get home. Chan and Hyunjin are probably producing, the others are working out. His teeth slams against each other, his whole-body trembling. Somehow, it isn’t an unpleasant feeling. It’s grounding. Nonetheless, he turns on all the heaters; one in each room and the big one in the living room. He can’t have any of the members falling sick, at least they will come back to a warm home.</p><p>A sudden sound makes his heart jump and he turns to his phone. It’s a text from his mom;<em>here’s the recipe you asked for honey &lt;3, love u</em></p><p>Felix doesn’t know why there’s a sting of disappointment bubbling in his stomach. It’s not like he was expecting or waiting for a text from anyone else. Or maybe he unconsciously was. He didn’t know. He stands unmoving in the hall for a moment, his undried wet hair dripping on his shoulder. Maybe he feels lonely. Just a tiny maybe.</p><p>The kitchen is still unfriendlily freezing but It’s where Felix takes residence for the following hour and a half. The members would be hungry when they get home, but the younger member knows, after a training session, none of them would be comfortable eating anything. A soup is calorie free, should be he hadn’t really searched it up, and he’ll make sure it’s warm enough for the glacial weather. When that’s done and cooling off on the stove, he bakes some chocolate chip cookies, the one Chan adores.</p><p>He stares around him when both are done, just to make sure everything’s ready. A notebook is lying on the kitchen’s table, the one where he usually writes his recipes. Felix tears a paper from it and writes down quickly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘There’s warm soup on the stove. Cookies in the oven.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The note is abandoned on the wooden table. His room is warmer than an hour ago, but the cold seems to already have immersed itself in his soul. He climbs the ladder with shaky legs, his body falling down on his bed almost instantly. His sheets are icy; a deserted land. The cover he slides under feels like a blanket of snow. His muscles and back are aching when he curls up, arms wrapped around himself. Number 4 crosses his mind.</p><p> </p>
<ol>
<li><em>Find a quiet deserted place to cry </em></li>
</ol><p>
  
</p><p>He thinks about it, and just the said action makes him tear up. It’s stupid, he doesn’t really have a valid reason to cry, he knows that. Yet, he’s always on edge lately, a black hole inside his chest eating him up. He is tired. He doesn’t know of what, but Felix is so tired. The simple sight of the company stresses him out. The dorm stresses him out. His bed stresses him out. Though all he can do is repeat the same pattern each day again and again. A broken disk stuck on the same note.</p><p> </p><p>His fingers grip the stands of his black hair, his face distorting in a pained grimace; a pain raging within his heart.</p><p> </p><p>A tear rolls down his left cheek, evicted by his red stingy eyes.</p><p> </p><p>The door bip at that moment, the chatters of the members immediately chasing the ghostly silence of the dorm. His head immediately dip under his yellow blanket. His heart skips a bit; he feels guilty for already being in bed when everyone else just got home although he knows he won’t be able to sleep any time soon.</p><p>“Did anyone see Felix? Is he home?” It’s Chan’s voice, sounding too energetic for 3am.</p><p>Hyunjin’s voice is further away than the leader’s, probably from the kitchen. “He must be? He made dinner” Quick footsteps collides on the polished floor. “Really? What did he make?” Changbin, Felix recognize.</p><p>“Ah… he’s asleep” Chan whispers, finally standing in front of his bedroom. He enters quietly, shuffles in their small wardrobe for a bit before he leaves and carefully closes the door behind him.</p><p>The sounds of his brother’s voices reach him like a radio in the background. All eight of them are home, yet, Felix feels lonelier than when he was still the only one in the apartment. He curls up on himself further, arms tightening themselves on his chest.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s cold.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The alarm makes Felix’s body startle awake, his hands trembling to quickly turn it off. His heart is loudly pounding in his chest even when the silence comes back and there’s an unreasonable thought that his heartbeat will wake up his roommates. </p><p>It’s none of that though and the young Australian carefully climbs down his bed. His feet are warm above the freshly cold floor. They don’t have any early schedule today thankfully, but Felix wants to take the opportunity to practice at the early hours of the morning. His Korean teacher prepared an evaluation for him in the morning.</p><p>The young dancer grabs his bag from where it had been abandoned by the front door the day prior and pulls out his worn-out lesson books. The bag is yellow, a color he recently started getting more attached too. The fans, and recently even the members, started calling him their sunshine. Felix feels like he needs to reach that new expectation everyone has of him. Yet, lately, he is more like a huge gray cloud flying above their heads.</p><p>They have their weekly group meeting today; he will make sure to apologize for all the three numbers in his list.</p><p>When the sun is finally high in the sky, he quickly gets ready, grabs his things and leave the dorm. He doesn’t know why he is trying to avoid them, it's not like they got in a fight or anything, but his stomach flips over just at the thought of having to face them.</p><p> </p><p>He spends the following hours practicing for his evaluation in one of JYPE's practice room. He doesn't eat anything, he <em>can't</em>eat anything, Felix is too stressed.</p><p> </p><p>"Already here? Good let's get started"</p><p> </p><p>A stack of papers is handed to him. His lower lip gets bitten under the sudden rush of stress, fingers trembling as they flip through his exam.</p><p>Felix can't understand half of what is written. There's text after text of complicated Korean grammar, vocabulary upon vocabulary of medical terms and scientific notions. He knows he saw half of them, but he can't in the life of himself exactly remember any. There's too many of them, each detailed on purpose to confuse him.</p><p> </p><p>Two hours have passed, and his time limit is closing up.  Felix flips through the pages: he has 20 questions left. Tears climb up his eyes. His pencil between his fingers, he runs his hands in his hair: he's doomed.</p><p> </p><p>The following hour pass in a blur. He hands his test, eyes adverting from his teacher.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll receive the grade in the afternoon" he says before leaving, and indeed, Felix's phone vibrates right after lunch.</p><p>He stares at the device with shaky eyes, with a desperate hope filtering through his fingers; like if his hand was trying to grasp sand. He knows he messed up. He <em>knows</em>, but the human nature is such a naive and weak one.</p><p>His heart falls at his feet when he receives the grade. His eyes and mind pleading that this is not true. That it's a mistake. That he did not just <em>horribly</em>fail his Korean exam. He had worked so hard. <em>So hard </em>yet-</p><p> </p><p>"Felix? Is everything alright?"</p><p>The young dancer snaps his eyes up, his arm who is holding his phone falling on his thigh. It's Minho, standing in the hallway in front of the practice room he had secluded himself in.</p><p>"Y-yeah why?" his voice is raspy and dry. <em>Weak</em>.</p><p>Minho frowns his eyebrows. "Are you sure? I know that look, you don't seem fine" he puts his sport bag by the door, taking place on a chair beside the younger. "What's wrong?"</p><p>Felix looks away, taking a short breath in.  "The korean evaluation I had this morning." Minho nods, waiting for him to continue. "I got the grade b-back"</p><p>"How did it go?" he asks quietly, as if already knowing the answer.</p><p>"I-I failed" He lifts his eyes to the older boy. They are waiting and understanding. "I worked so hard hyung so-" his voice falls, and he tries in vain to gain back some composure. He did not plan on crying. In front of someone at that. In front of his <em>member</em>; <em>of Minho.</em>"so h-hard I- I really gave my best b-b-ut" his sobs breaks his words and it's so frustrating to get his thoughts through. Minho's hand is on his shoulder, his body hunched toward his. "Hey, it's okey don't cry lix, don't cry" He lifts his hand and whips the tear rolling in his right cheek. "It's just an exam, a grade doesn't define you."</p><p>Felix hiccups, holding his breathe the best he can to try to control his crying. "If I can't- If I can't succeed in something like this when I worked <em>so</em>hard h-how will I ever be able to achieve harder th-things" his voice is wobbly and weak. Vulnerable, pathetic. He presses his hands against his eyes, his back shaking under the tremor of his badly hidden sobs.</p><p>"Felix-Felix listen to me" One of Minho's hands is on his back while the other is holding his arm. He slowly helps him straighten himself back unto a sitting position. "I'm sure your teacher purposefully made that exam harder. Teachers do that all the time, maybe to gain back a sense of control on their students or for some other stupid reason." Felix captures his lips in his mouth, tears stopped falling but his back is still shaking, going up and down. "The number of exams I failed in my life can't be counted in our two hands combined. Heck we got eliminated by JYP when we did our outmost but look at us now. Did we not end up succeeding?"</p><p>The Australian's body finally stills, finally able to blink back his tears. He looks at Minho's calm and serene eyes. It feels like staring at a vast undisturbed sea. He nods.</p><p>"See? Told you. C'mon whip those traitor tears away." the dancer pulls down his sleeves, pressing them against Felix's red cheeks. "Hyung, I can use tissues." he sniffles, not removing Minho's hard attempt at removing every trace of crying away. "Shhht, I have magic sleeves."</p><p>Felix scoffs a laugh and Minho offers one of his famous side grins. "Can you assist the group meeting? If you need more time, I can tell Chan to postpone it" the younger shakes his head. "No no It's alright" he takes a deep breath in. "I think we're gonna be late."</p><p>"Don't worry" Minho stands, grabbing his sports bag. "I'm sure Chan is going to be the last one as always." He holds the door open. "You know, leader effect"</p><p>Indeed, after stopping by the bathroom to clean Felix's face, they are not the last ones arriving in the meeting room; Chan is, his laptop under one arm and his suitcase in the other. "I'm sorry I'm late again"</p><p>"Hyung, are you sure you're not doing it on purpose?" Jeongin jokingly asks from where he is sitting between Seungmin and Jisung.</p><p>As expected, the meeting goes smoothly and rather quickly. 3racha share about what they have been working on for the future album, Hyunjin lets them listen to a snippet of his almost finished song and Chan lets them know about next week's schedule. Work out of the way, time for <em>emotions check</em>, like Seungmin jokingly calls it.</p><p>"How has everyone been? Emotion and mental wise? Any disagreement, misunderstanding or fights amongst the group? Amongst the staff?" Chan lets his eyes fly on them, kind and welcoming. "Anything you'd like to share?"</p><p> </p><p>There's a silence. Felix can hear his heart furiously beat in his ears. He grabs and tightens his hands under the table. It's now or never.</p><p> </p><p>"If there's nothing then-" Chan stops short in his talk, his hold on his papers goes loose as he lets them messily fall back on the table. Felix's hand is raised, like if they were in class and he was asking permission to speak. He is looking down at his lap. "Yes Lixie?"</p><p>"I wanted to apologize. For multiple things." he lifts his eyes. Jisung is sitting right in front of him, eyebrows frowning. "For what happened during last vlive, I'm sorry. I don't have any excuse to give you for my careless behaviour." he keeps on talking, too scared to be cut. "For making multiple mistakes during dance practice. I'm also sorry." he blinks his eyes, pushing the tears back. He is not repeating what happened earlier. He looks back down at his laps. Gosh he feels such like a failure. "I'm sorry for not smiling lately. For acting like a moody spoiled teenage brat and feeling this <em>way. This-"</em>he searches for the right words, his eyes squinted in concentration. How he hates not being able to express himself. How exhausting is it to always think on how to say things and being at a loss of words.</p><p>"How Lix?" Minho asks encouragingly with a soft and gentle tone.</p><p>"<em>This- not okey. </em>This gray and clouded and always overthinking everything and-" he stops talking, his right hand running in his black messy hair. He can feel exchanged glances around him, but he doesn't look up. He is not ready to face what he might see. "I'm sorry"</p><p>"Felix" Chan who is sitting at his left, approaches his rolling chair to his. "Felix look at me." The boy lifts shaky eyes toward him. "You can apologize for every stupid damn reason you want too. You hear me? You can apologize for not participating with the group or for messing up a stupid dance practice. But never, Felix <em>never</em>apologize for being unwell. For not feeling like smiling. That's <em>our </em>job as your friends and brothers to help you"</p><p>Felix nods, throat too closed up to manage to say anything else. His eyes are dry, and he does his best keep them that way.</p><p>Hyunjin suddenly dramatically gasp. Everyone turns his attention to him. “Is this how it feels when your parents have a favorite child?” he turns his eyes to Changbin, pointing his finger to where Minho is gently holding Felix’s right hand. “He used that exact hand to shove papers in my mouth just yesterday”</p><p>There’s a weight being lifted off Felix’s shoulders and a laugh free its way out of his stretched lips. Chan slowly intertwin his arm with his left one, playfully glaring at Minho above the young Australian’s shoulder. “Minho… What did I say about attacking the younger members?”</p><p> </p><p>“You said to be careful about it. I <em>carefully </em>and <em>kindly </em>shoved papers in his mouth. He was looking for it.”   </p><p> </p><p>Chan sighs, giving up on trying to be heard around the loud noise that everyone’s making. Even Minho, the second oldest, is eagerly fighting with the younger members. “Felix’s my favorite” he says in a definitive voice. Everyone’s dramatically gasps, Chan included. Minho lifts one of his eyebrow at them, Felix now securely wrapped under his arm. Jisung is holding his heart, eyes wide. “Hyung- we’re <em>soulmates</em>.”</p><p>“Your words not mine”</p><p>The younger rapper let himself fall off his chair, pretending to be dead on the floor as he lies like a starfish.</p><p>“I thought I was everyone’s favorite!” Jeongin shouts, both hands slamming on the table.</p><p>Follows a disorder of shouts and theatric plays. It’s their manager who finally manages to kick them out of the meeting room.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There’s one soft knock on the door.</p><p> </p><p>Despite the music blasting in the studio, Chan’s ear catches up on the sound. He lowers his volume and turns his attention to the door at his right.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?”</p><p> </p><p>The door slowly opens and Felix’s head pops in the room. “Channie-hyung, can I come in?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, mate come” Chan has a warm and inviting smile on his lips. “Anything I can do for you?”</p><p> </p><p>Felix throws himself on the gray couch, a relieved sigh parting his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, I just want to spend some time with you. Promise I’ll stay quiet” he closes his eyes, his head resting on the arm rest.</p><p> </p><p>Chan turns his chair toward him. “You look tired. Why don’t you go home?”</p><p> </p><p>“No one’s home. It’s lonely and scary at this time”</p><p> </p><p>He glances at the clock. Right it’s late. “What about the others?”</p><p> </p><p>“They all are working out.” Felix turns his back to Chan. “I’ll just take a little nap. Wake me up when you’re ready to go home”</p><p> </p><p>His leader hums in agreement. A warm coat is carefully put on his body and Felix smiles gratefully.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><strike></strike> <em>    <strike>4. Find a quiet deserted place to cry</strike></em></p><p>
  
</p>
<ol>
<li><em>Find comfort and reassurance in the members. </em></li>
</ol><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Does that mean I don’t get to eat chocolate chip cookies tonight?”</p><p> </p><p>“Buy me the ingredients and we’ll talk about it”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okey so,</p><p>basically this is a vomit of emotions and feelings. I was going through a hard pass, so I guess I needed to write this to let it out. Sometimes you are hurt and wants to cry without a proper reason. Sometimes, smiling is so tiring. Sometimes, you fail even after working hard and it's okey even if it hurts a load. We just have to keep moving forward till it pays off and gets better. I don't know why Felix keeps being my main character lmao, I guess without realizing, I relate a lot to him. </p><p>I hope you liked this small unplanned au, </p><p>As always, comments are so much welcome and thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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